liebster award

I was nominated by my friends Sophie and Naelle, for sale but I have to choose one set of questions first… So I choose Naelle’s, though I may get around to answering Sophie’s as well. For old time’s sake – because this is what we used to do on a regular basis when we were all teenagers and blogged our fingers off, before the word “blog” was popular.

Brief history of the Liebster award:
The idea of the Liebster Award is to introduce newer blogs (with less than 200 Bloglovin Followers) to a wider audience, and give the bloggers a chance to share something about themselves.

1 Link back to the person who nominated you.
2 Answer the 11 questions given by the person who nominated you.
3 Post 11 random facts about yourself.
4 Pick 11 nominees with under 200 followers (on Bloglovin) to answer your 11 questions.
5 You can’t nominate the person who nominated you!
6 Tell your 11 nominees you have nominated them.

Questions and answers:

1 If you were a monster,

how would you be?

I’d be covered in fur and I’d live in the forest, and I’d be friends with all the animals, and I’d sing them songs.
I’d climb trees to hide from people. I’d be like a benevolent Bigfoot, but with language.
Oh wait. That is me. If I were to quit being a member of society!

2 What are your 3 favourite

food plates?

Sushi rolls. Any rolls. Anything without chives in them.
Buttered mussels.
Loaded rice like Puerto Rican arroz-con-whatever or paella. Without onions in the sofrito (it CAN be done, people, onions are my nemesis).

3 What are your 3 favourite music albums

(current or “of all time”)?

I choose of ALL TIME.
I may go over this in my head, but these are the ones that come to mind, which have been favorites for years upon years, so they’re on top of the list because of their seniority… so they are not THE 3, but 3 of THE.

Die Form – L’ame Electrique
(Video NSFW)

Switchblade Symphony – Serpentine Gallery

(Also known as one of the albums that – possibly, literally – saved my life during my teens)

And One – Bodypop
Because, come on. Depeche Mode’s legacy.

4 What was the last

book you read?

I’m reading The Swinging Bridge by Ramabai Espinet for a PhD course, I’m enjoying it so far.

5 What was your

favourite childhood toy?

OH MY GOSH, my 90’s Littlest Pet Shop MASSIVE collection – which I still own. I got rid of most of my toys (ebay’ed, threw away as a kid), but I still have every single, teeny-tiny little pet brush and bowl. They discontinued them and often put those toys on clearance, so my mom spoiled me. I have the zoo, the Sea World collection, the hospital, and two of the pet shop cases. They’re all stored in Lisa Frank backpacks.

This is not my photo, it’s for reference… I have all of those, except for the kitty house. The bird  house is a family of tiny little cockatiels.



I have no idea what to do with them…

6 What’s your process to

achieve your dreams and goals?

I think about what I want a lot… I fantasize about it, then imagine it done.
I’ve wanted to make sigils and spells, but it’s the mental equivalent, I suppose.
Really, really want something, and do the work you have to do to achieve it. Sometimes it doesn’t come out the way you thought it would be, except in language… the circumstances sometimes are unpredictable, as well as the work that actually gets you there, but if you were to explain it, it’s essentially the goal.
I can say “5 years ago I thought I really wanted to do ‘this.'” And suddenly, one day, you realize you’ve done that and lots more along the way.
So the most basic element is to want something badly enough. If you don’t really want it, you won’t really put in any effort.

7 Who’s your favourite



This question is all kinds of unfair. But for a long time, I’ve had (and forget, but then remember) this huge crush on Salvador Dalí… not so much because of his art, which I just like, but as a character and a writer. Maybe I have yet to be dissuaded.

8 How do you imagine the future

(500 years from now)?

Like this:

9 What language would

you like to learn and why?

German. Because it would be so much more fun to quote Freud. Because so many terms and concepts are untranslatable… because I might read Wittgenstein and possibly, even Heidegger out loud at home for the lulz. And to sing songs in German knowing I’m not mispronouncing and not understanding save a few words.

Another reason is I found some German books (as in, to learn the language) at home, and it’s not that hard!

10 If you could be a planet,

how would it be? Describe it.

Pluto. With a wonky orbit and kicked out of the system… then people assessing their decision and being like “Wait, no, we were wrong, you’re totally legit, come back, Pluto.”

11 How do you combat

writer’s block?

For academic papers, I type the quotes I’m going to use (after the bibliography pages)  and explain them. That way, I don’t have to face a blank page, but I’ll have around 3 to 5 done, and it’s less intimidating… plus the texts I’m referencing might help me get my ideas going.

For creative work, I don’t… I don’t really get writer’s block, I just either write or I don’t (but I’m not as disciplined as I want to be!).


11 Random facts about Myself:

1 I love flower teas and flower flavored things.
2 I have been told repeatedly that the sound of my laughter is dorky.
3 I almost constantly have body aches. I’ve had two (small) windows of no pains in the past 3 years and thought “WOW. This is what it feels like when nothing hurts!” I forget what it feels like.
4 When I’m alone in my car for a long time, I sometimes make up lyrics to the parts of songs with no vocals, or sometimes I translate the lyrics to Spanish if the song is in English as I sing along (and they rarely ever make sense).
5 I always have mints in my purse.
6 I don’t chew gum because most of the time I end up violently chewing my cheeks by accident.
7 Squishy chewing noises awaken violent impulses in me that are otherwise dormant.
8 The older I get, the more easily I cry. I remember when I was much younger and sadder, I barely cried… now, I cry whenever I’m overwhelmed with ANY feeling, good or bad.
9 I have many pairs of high heels that I’ve never worn. I need to start going to places where impractical footwear is OK. (Unlike the hijinks I sometimes get into where I’ve been glad I’m wearing boots.)
10 My struggle to dye my hair a candy color is daily. Mein Kampf.
11 In my free time, I can be found WORKING.


Questions for the Nominees:

I know they may be repetitive, but I won’t ask for apologies!

1  Suppose you had an altar (if you don’t have one already)… describe it.
2  Tell us about your first paradigm shift.
3  Name a book that changed your life (at any moment in time)
4  What is your spirit animal?
5  What can you never get enough of?
6  Tell us about something you’re proud of. (An achievement, a virtue…)
7  Tell us about something you’re not at all proud of. (But dare reveal.)
8  We have all recently turned into grown ups. What realizations have you come to about this?
9  What do you do to cheer yourself up when you’re not feeling too great?
10  Did you start anything new this year? What?
11  Is there a single passion of yours that no one or nothing can come between? What is it?


My Nominees:

They may or may not be on bloglovin, they may or may not be updating and, they may or may not answer these questions (or find out about this at all). But I recommend you follow them anyway. I chose nominees that haven’t been nominated by my friends, you know, to not be a burden. But get click-happy! FOLLOW ALL THE BLOGS.

1 James
2 Naomi
3 Joana
4 Teresa
5 Susana
6 Monica
7 Viktor (again)
8 Engel Nomi
9 Maria
10 I’m pushing my luck.
11 Oh, well.


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Tonight I have an overbearing amount of work to do… work related work. Part of that work is putting together a shared blog for my students, sickness which led me to, store where all of my WordPress blogs are accessible under a same account (nice) and, viagra inevitably, I’ve ended up here.

In the mental fog of summer migraines, which are consistent with this weather, and the ghosts of dreams and nightmares that follow me after shut-downs (sweaty, disturbed migraine naps), I thought it would be a good idea to reconnect with what is on my mind besides my daily routines and work, to write anything at all. I’ve been fantasizing about writing anything at all for a very long time… but this ridiculous guilt over how I should be “doing something else” (like desperately trying to sleep) – much like reading when I was student: “No! Don’t read for fun, you should be reading for your courses!” – has kept me from it. Even in the notebooks I carry, where I plan out my lessons, I feel tempted to scribble, but end up tapping the pen on the desk or making “to do” lists.

For the last few months I’ve been working. A LOT. And I don’t mean working as in “doing things” – because I’ve even put that off, doing the “things” I want to do that also count as work, but I mean employment. I’ve been nearly 100% devoted to work for several reasons… I’ve been working at the institution where I studied, and I feel lucky every single day, and I love it. I guess with that comes the pressure of trying to do the best job I possibly can (much like my co-workers who are around my age). But I also took on two other teaching jobs, which left me, for a couple of months, with only about 4 hours to come home and sleep on weekdays. Teaching jobs. Which basically means giving up all of your mental and emotional energy to a bit over a hundred people whose faces, names, personalities and particular needs you’ve had to memorize. Aside from the preparation and work you take home, delivering a lesson with a smile, putting up with fluorescent lights and throbbing eyeballs, noise and stabby needle sensations right in the brain (yes, I’m talking about migraines), and talking non-stop. I was exhausted, and sometimes I’m impressed that I made it alive. The second reason is precisely that… I wanted to spend all of my energy as a form of purification. Not to think. Which is also why I haven’t been writing… I’ve been avoiding feelings and truth.

It’s safe to say that it worked… even my perception of time during those months, from my memory’s eye, is all mixed up… like months were squeezed into weeks, years into months. I don’t remember sleeping much, and I was physically sick often. And so it was and so it is that I’ve just kept myself from writing… so it will be either subtle volumes of obscure prose or intense, cathartic (still obscure) poetry before I catch up with what’s going on and place myself again. And what I mean by “place myself” is knowing where I’ve been and where I’m going, internally. It’s all shapes, shadows and melodies, when there are no words. Unless the voices while falling asleep count.

But, to break between the large chunks of text, I give you Office Looks 2014. Newest to oldest. (I only let my hair down for selfies, though. And those $7 sunglasses, I sat on them. So mad.) Do I look tired? I am!





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I realize it’s been a almost a year since I updated… Coming here is safe, because I always suppose I don’t have any readers (1) and, since I tend to follow the mood and style I use in my different blogs (as I do with different paper journals), I don’t talk about feelings. I always want to cry into livejournal’s buxom, but facing what’s in my own heart is something I’ve been avoiding… put into words, I mean, because it materializes in the form of ghosts that follow me like little shadows, all the way from sleep and memory.

I realize I haven’t updated in almost a year and also, how full of it I was when I said I wouldn’t keep submitting my hair to violent lightening procedures anymore. I want to talk about that because, apparently, I need to talk about my hair or I’m not on this blog.

While I was an undergrad, I used to hang out a lot with a girl who is still a good friend, but I just don’t see or talk to often anymore. We had memorable conversations every day, about everything. I remember her telling me once, after getting a new piercing in her ear (one of many), that she liked taking care of her body piercings… I don’t know if she feels this way anymore, but she said “Since I’m not having any children, I need something to take care of, so I’ll take care of them.” It sounds a bit over the top, but sometimes I think of her during my hair coloring and conditioning rituals. Sometimes it’s not even about how I want it to look… not about the vain aspect, but for the simple purpose of controlling outcomes and then caring for something. Something that also happens to be a part of your body… it becomes a habit. Even when you have little free time left over and would probably do better just stopping altogether, at least in my experience, I look forward to “hair nights” and trying new dyes (which are sometimes disappointing!). There’s also my limited choices… I would only dye my hair black while I’m not trying to go for white or gray, or any shade of blue. Black is difficult to undo, and blue, well, I’m still trying to make an impression on my superiors (though, fortunately, I don’t think hair colors matter to them at all). But I’ve been twice traumatized over my choices… (twice having started work already WITH My Little Pony hair, then told to change it).

So besides working, not writing much and bleaching my hair, I’ve also been driving. I bought a car. Car Selfies 2014.




A lot has happened in 11 months… WELIF was published and released in the wild last October. Friends and strangers have given me heart warming feedback about it. Which means a lot, because this is really OLD poetry I wrote while I could still be called a kid, and my drawings are in it (which look like a kid drew them, which is true, my inner child is the one drawing, always).

I take for granted that people who want to find out about my books do so at the book blog  or SLF’s (well, MY) facebook page. I’ve done quite a few book-related things, including a really neat-o, Freudy conference about SLF and dream translation that I PUBLISHED on the book blog linked above.

You can still get my books on Etsy and I could use your support with Etsy faves and Goodreads “to-reads” (of course reviews are better, but to-reads also make me happy!)

Look at little WELIF:

My good friend Viruella recently posted an interview of sorts on her blog with flattering photos of my books and my answers to some really fun but difficult questions that I responded to on a work night. Without revising. That’s also an invitation, though, to follow her and read the thing (if you even read this far).

Academic terms are winding down and I have less courses than I did while I was a zombie. I have some secrets that I plan to reveal soon.  They’re actually exciting, but in hiatus until I put scattered self  back  together, so… stand by. Or follow me elsewhere. Or risk waiting forever (the average amount of time between posts here).


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Every time I come around here, geriatrician I feel more lost than I initially did…
Maybe the fact that this “blog” of sorts lacks a purpose… I really, REALLY don’t know where it’s going or what it’s supposed to be other than my non-poetic nonsense, non-anything-related yet everything-related place I occasionally write in to give my website something new to see.

I know two or three of you read me (thanks in part to bloglovin. Bless bloglovin.).
But it’s mostly an awkward soliloquy… have I said this before? I think I have.

I’ve been thinking of,
a) re-making the website into blog format (which I really DON’T want to do… there is an art in old fashioned HTML design, really, how many websites do you come across that retain that late 90’s aesthetic?)
b) deleting the blog and just leaving a-e as a portfolio of… my online history, I guess. (But I don’t want to that, either.)

Maybe if someday I have enough free time (which I doubt I ever will – every year projects and duties just pile up) I’ll html this blog.

On entirely different subjects, here is my face as of late.

Since hair is inevitably a subject (which I pretend I don’t care for) that comes up often, I’m going to talk about that.
Because nothing really extraordinary has been happening in my life and my creativity has been stifled by work, duties, and migraines (ALL THE MIGRAINES), I mostly dye my hair. A lot.

So I’ll pretend this might be useful to SOMEBODY out there.

I must say, my DIY toner has been everything I’ve needed to achieve something close to the true platinum white I wanted.
My hair is almost white (though just a few hours ago I dyed it in pastels – you’ll see for sure – but it’s almost white UNDER the current dye). It was a painstaking process that went on for months… I never noticed my hair grew so fast! Just as it was light enough, new roots started growing in that turned yellow with bleach… so it was never even (and still isn’t).

If you are a natural brunette who wants to go white, there are two products I will recommend:

  • Clairol Born Blonde Maxi – for subborn black roots. Easier to apply and a teensy bit less abrasive than powder bleach. However, leaves your dark hair a hideous limoncello yellow (see first blonde pics).
  • L’Oreal Excellence Creme Blonde Supreme in Lightest Ash Blonde – Apply (if you’re not scared) a few days after using Born Blonde. It lightens, though not drastically, but the shade is a really beautiful light ash blonde that is totally not disgusting.

Then, of course, use my toner recipe.
I learned that it’s almost the same thing as the toning conditioners which are a violet color to neutralize brassiness. I also used some toning shampoos (Clairol Shimmering Lights).

This will work much better if your hair is naturally blonde or a lighter shade… my hair is very dark brown, so I’m only very nearly there.

Now with no deceiving app filter:
2013-07-16 11.50.10

And that’s the end of it. I doubt I’ll be bleaching my roots again.

In case you were wondering about the progress with book-related things, well, there’s a whole other blog for that. Which you can follow on bloglovin as well.

I did a presentation back in April (that should have been a workshop – I might be doing one of those soon, August to be exact) at the UPR in Humacao. Details and visuals on teh blog and the facebook. This photo looks so legit:


WELIF… whatever. I’m filling it with doodles and, given I’m not as talented as others in that department, I need to take my time and be in the right mindset, or else I just end up hating my drawings. So until I finish the handful of illustrations (so many more than I originally planned), there are no news. But I hope to make the most of this week, which is my “vacation” week.

I’ve made a secret instagram I haven’t told anyone about… because I have so many followers on my private one (most of them people I know), I feel self conscious about what I post. I really just want to upload skies and flowers and seashores and selfies. So, if you care to follow (because most people who know me in real life don’t come all the way here), it’s

Also, something I’m looking forward to… I’m going to Triton Festival in September. My first goth thing of a sort ever, seeing bands I love, I don’t know if I’ll explode.




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Before you read on, shop dear one or two readers, sickness this post may be about something you have little to no interest in, viagra because it’s about one of my particular vices.
However, it is about something pretty and delicious.

So about a year ago I was all excited about having discovered new electronic deVices that changed my life.
One of them was my e-reader. It didn’t change my life as I thought it would… I thought I’d be emptying bookshelves and book stacks by a significant percentage, but I faced the sad truth one day when there was a power outage and I thought I’d pick up on the novel I was currently reading.
I could not – because the battery was dead.
I realized then I could not just pick it up and READ whenever I wanted to – if there was no power.
So it’s just been rolling around my room for months.

The second was a Blu e-cig kit (which is now in the hands of a friend).
Though I initially liked the experience, I found the batteries to last too little for my heavy habits.
So I bought another, one huge battery kit that lasts forever (and I won’t mention the brand because I don’t want to segue into trying to make you click my referral code, which I will if I tell you)
and have been happily (and maybe a little obsessively) vaping ever since.
Actually, neurotically vaping ever since.
My e-cig is within reach if not ON my person most of the time.

I’ve been sampling several e-juice brands, some of which have been okay, some really good, but Alice in Vapeland is simply STELLAR in every possible way.

I first found them browsing Etsy, probably for Alice in Wonderland related items (see my awesome bracelet, still up for grabs), and so I followed the White Rabbit down into their website.

The main reason why I’m writing this review (my first ever, of sorts) is their customer service.
Their juice itself is a reason to buy from them – I’ll get to that later – but every order is literally a GIFT.

The first time I ordered, all I bought was A Delectable Sampler. To, well… sample. I had read some comments about their beautiful packaging and was looking forward to it, as well as these five dreamily described juices.

When I got my box, the first thing I noticed was that was hand stamped – a White Rabbit on the outside. I thought “aw.”
On the inside, there was a tree, I believe, with hand drawn HEARTS. Colorful pastel paper strips, a personalized thank-you letter, and business cards with their adorable Alice on it. Of course I squee’ed.

My second order was around last October, and this was my favorite, because the paper was purple, orange and black! Again, the inside was customized and colored by hand, and this time, I got extra teensy samples.

The box I got yesterday had red and black paper, a gorgeous playing card from a deck I am DYING to get (just because – well, no. The Alice books. If you don’t know all about that, you don’t have to know.), another special note, bonus samples, and love. I felt the love.

“Vapemail” really is as big a deal as all the hype promotes it to be.

Forgive that the photos are low quality, I’m going through a migraine, so the lights are dim.

Also… they put pretty CHARMS on their bottles, which are beautiful as well, compared to your standard plastic squeeze bottles most e-juice you will buy comes in, regardless of the size.

I went ahead and bought a 30mg bottle, because I’m confident I’ll vape it all, and would not want to get caught having to wait for more.

Just look at these gorgeous bottles:


And finally, their hand made glass driptips… their selection varies depending on which they have available, and they tend to sell out quickly.

This little thing is one of my treasures:


The truth is I’ve only used it once because I am dreadfully afraid I’ll drop it and see it break into pieces (and I do drop my cig ALL the time – as my thesis director used to say “you have dropsy, Alejandra.” I do, I drop everything!)

There’s also the fact that I try to be inconspicuous. Sometimes when I vape in public people react as if it were fucking diabolical alchemy.

That drip tip is so beautiful on its own, and when you put your lips to it, it makes you look adorable. It looks like you’re kissing a flower.

And now, the juices. I cannot possibly review the flavors one by one and I don’t think it’s necessary because each flavor has a page with an intriguing enough description, as well as customer reviews.
Vape flavor preference, as with any flavor or aroma, is subjected to individual taste.

But in general:
Vapor production at standard PG/VG ratio is generous. With one slow Catterpillar drag you’ll be puffing out white clouds.
Throat hit at standard ratio is just right. It’s perfect! You feel the warm hit on the back of your throat, but it doesn’t burn like some other brands I’ve tried (which can also be enjoyable – I have at times) which makes it a vape you can enjoy for long periods of time. It’s also strong enough to pacify a craving. One hit does it. Except you may not want just one because:
The flavor is exceptional. There is nothing simple about Vapeland vapes… in comparison with other juices, which have maybe one or two dimensions to them.
Every single flavor I’ve tried so far (I’ve only a few that I have left to try – some of which I have in my possession right now) is a pleasant experience (in every sense of the word).

I still remember the first I ever tried – Frost Blossom. It tasted like frozen tangerines. No menthol, just a soft chill, like a breeze.
I was so impressed, I had to go comment soon as I tasted it, and got a sweet reply from… well, I don’t know who, actually…

If you don’t know, I am also an obsessive tea drinker. I assumed that drinking tea almost constantly, I would not really want to vape tea.
Nope, nope. Sweet Teas and Afternoon Tea are among my favorites. The inhale is aromatic as tea leaves, the exhale is as sweet as only a hint of sugar. They’re subtle (just how I like my tea), not like taking a hit of vaporized candy.

Their fruity vapes (like A Quiet Morning, Orange Makes Me Creamsicle and Mystic Mandalime are demure as smelling fruit you just picked off the tree (or vine, in the case of passionfruit). The fruit flavor comes through as the actual fruit – not artificial at all. The Creamsicle vape tastes like fresh squeezed orange juice with a hint of cream – better than any creamsicle I’ve ever had.

Their dessert-like flavors are my least favorite, possibly because I don’t have much of a sweet tooth (Cupcake City, Lemon Loves Cake, ‘Twas Brillig, White Rabbit), but are interesting nonetheless. I would not discourage anyone from trying them.

The rest, you know what, whatever, if you’re interested, you’ll read their descriptions and want to try them all.

But what drove me to dedicate a post on this (I insist) NON-blog is, again, the tangible care with which they pack these little boxes of joy.
Never, ever, ever in my life have I received a product that is as personalized and, at the same time, so aesthetically pleasing. I can only compare these boxes to presents I’ve gotten from friends, who bother putting charms on things, coloring stamped designs in and printing out art with my name on it. Not to mention, their generous gesture of including little extras.
I should also add, their communication with customers is just as special. I once had a problem with a payment not going through, and one of the girls wrote a very polite note with contact information. I may as well have woken her up from a nap, as far as I knew! So I never called… but the point is, they bother and they care.
It makes me want to send THEM presents.

So there. It’s out of my system now.

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So since I bleached my hair as far as it could stand (for now), price I’ve been making my own “toner” with leftover color dyes.

Believe me, grip getting rid of this color:


…was not entirely my idea. I’ve been working at a college (two, actually) for a year now and my hair had not been an issue until someone from higher up the scale suggested it wasn’t proper to one of my admins (ugh, admins!), who suggested I tone it down. I thought I would dye it SFX’s Blue Black, which is my “work” color, but decided to go opposite on the scale.
I know you agree, everyone does – telling me to change my hair color was a dick move.
Students and co-workers alike roll their eyes, because I’ve been quick to tell the reason.
I work at an institution that teaches courses in hair styling and beauty, professors are allowed to exploit their image, and there’s no item among the employee’s manual that states anything at all about color choice.
But sometimes you don’t want to be outed as the rebel.

I find it odd, that after years (15 now) of having blue or blue-ish hair, this is the first time in my life where I actually get rude NEGATIVE comments about my hair. (Also dickish, negative opinions about appearance are never welcome, specially from people you barely know…) And not that I didn’t get rude comments before, but they were mostly out of curiosity. Now, even hobos have come up to me to say “you looked better in blue.”

I’ve been curious about Manic Panic’s “Virgin Snow” for decades, but to this day, I haven’t tried it because I’ve always made my own powder-light hair dyes by diluting portions of color dyes with conditioner… which is actually good for your hair rather than damaging, as actual toner is (containing peroxide). Most pigment dyes are peroxide free and oil based. So no need to worry about that, the bleach does the damage for you.

I presume you girls who read my blog know all about hair dye, but just in case you’ve never thought of it, or haven’t dared, I say, do it.

So here’s the recipe.


  • As with my cooking and mostly everything I do, I do not work using precise measurements. 
  • Do a strand test before proceeding on larger portions of hair, just in case!
  • I am not a professional. Do this only if you’re ok with experimenting. Some dyes are more pigmented than others, and dyes take depending on how porous your hair texture  is. No specific outcome is guaranteed and modification might be necessary!

Now. The process:

You need:

  • An empty bottle (preferably one with marked measurements) or mixing bowl, if you trust your instincts.
  • A bottle of conditioner (your choice).
  • Purple dye, or a blue that is purple based, or a red that is purple based.


1. If your hair is blonde or lightened to a light yellow, you might want to use purple hues to counteract the yellow tones. (Painters: you know your tertiaries.) So grab a purple dye or mix your own. I added about one ounce of these three (not one once of each, but blobs mixed together amounting to about an ounce) into my mixing bottle.


2. Add three parts of what you poured in as dye of conditioner. I used the one below, it’s cheap and effective. I added approximately up to where it said “4 oz.”



3. After you’ve shampooed and treated with regular conditioner or special masks or whatever, apply the color conditioner ALL OVER YOUR HAIR (or where you want it to work) and leave in for 15 to 30 minutes with a shower cap over it. Applying heat works as an accelerator, but ain’t nobody got a salon heat helmet (unless you happen to have one).

The result is (and do consider, my hair still has green hues from the previous, endless blue dye jobs) is a grey-ish tone rather than a yellow one. It looks almost lilac on my lightest patches, and the yellower strands (where my hair used to be black) is a greenish-ash rather than an orange.



You’re welcome. 😛

This tutorial is sponsored in part (through inspiration) by Devannah and her many beauty tips and tutorials.

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For a long time I’ve been feeling an overwhelming exhaustion from… being.
It’s kind of embarrassing to talk about… considering it’s not a “real” dilemma.
On the other hand, contagion considering this “NON-BLOG” – where I try to be the least personal – has become a haven for venting, buy since it’s buried under all these frames.

Like you have to come in to a dark room with a door you usually ignore, dosage then crawl under the covers to read it.
That’s how I like to imagine it, anyway.

Well, this exhaustion… I like to set nearly impossible goals for myself, most of which I keep secret, because though I suppose I cope with failure, I like to avoid it at all costs.
I think the last time I felt hopeful about life was while I was still stumbling through my MA, not really sure of what I was doing (as usual), but I thought it would lead me somewhere.
Then I graduated, and hesitated to apply to grad schools for many reasons…

So here I am, and here I’ve been for a long time… with flickers of excitement inbetween, distractions and experiences, none of which I regret… probably because there’s no point in regret, only lessons to be learned.

I’ve mentioned how work really sucks the magic out of me. I’ve been working at the same place for a year now (a year!) and it’s starting to give me an existential itch… wanting to explode.

So I have this (not so crazy idea) that I’ll be carrying out this year.
I also made a decision that I’d been wanting to make for a long time that I haven’t told a soul. (And I’m still not telling. Don’t wonder, it’s not even that interesting, but it is a chosen path of Fate.)

I kind of hate how sometimes my posts become all about my hair… but this is another decision I made that I’d only thought about in terms of “what if.”
Destroying my hair with bleach.

It doesn’t even look like the photos above anymore, I’ve lightened it one more time and the residual colors are fading.
I still feel strange when I look in the mirror and see blonde hairs on my hairbrush…

Though a purely superficial act, it’s symbolic for me… creation in destruction, a sort of death that needed to take place in order to allow rebirth. Rebirth of an imaginary state of being I only assumed in darkness, that took over me when I felt unlike myself…

So this existential discomfort is lifting with the simplest thing… something I want to do.

I’m still drawing pen sketches for Where Everything Lost is Found. I wrote a bit about it at my books blog. My deadline is May. Let’s see if I can come through.


I’ve also been finding scraps in what little is left in my old house, which is to be sold soon. (Not going to talk about that.)

I don’t like the notion that, try as we might, we really are essentially the same person. This little bit below was in a tiny notebook, I never even used it, only transformed it and recycled the rhymes. But it made me go “bleh.” I was perhaps 16 when I wrote it. Not going to use it now, either, but this is precisely the person I’m trying to un-become.

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Posting here always feels like a soliloquy… at least initially. One would think after so many years of writing entries about anything online I’d know how to introduce an update post, dermatologist but no. I think this has more to do with not knowing what my audience is, having this blog format NON-BLOG buried here under all these distractions and not really knowing who reads it, IF someone reads at all (besides the usual 2 or 3).

I try to imagine that strangers come here and read this… though the site’s tracker says most of you land in from facebook or tumblr. But in spite of the awkward beginnings, it’s a comfortable feeling.

I also try to keep it objective and impersonal… IF I ever succeed- I try.

I’m 28 now. It’s a tradition of mine to go over my progress since my last birthday, to feel both good and terrible about where my life is going. Hence, I feel both good and terrible. But birthdays are mostly about feeling good, so, like every year, I need to thank my friends and dearests for making birthdaymonth an awesome one. I have this fantasy of throwing a wild party for my birthday and it never happens. But that’s okay.

As much as I hate work, one of the perks of working somewhere nice is people you don’t expect to make a big deal out of your birthday. When I worked at the UPR a few years ago, my co-workers (who are still great friends) made me cry over chocolate birthday cake made from scratch. Last year I started working at Instituto de Banca and, having only worked there for a month, every group I taught sang me the happy birthday song. This year one of my groups made a little birthday party out of the class, and it was more fun than I expected.


Visual confirmation of the fun:


Earlier in October, SLF had a spot at Festival de la Palabra thanks to my friend Max Charriez. Visual confirmation of that:

And an extra. Walking around the MAPR with Yaya. Posing.

But back to SLF, the info is mostly updated on the facebook page, because fb makes everything easy, so if you haven’t, please:

 And hey, Christmas is near… put it on your wishlist. Your amazon wishlist. Even if nobody buys it for you.

Anyway, SLF has its own website for which I’ve sketched out a much nicer layout, but I don’t have the time to update it. I barely have time  to update myself!

But do go “like” it on facebook? It makes me feel fuzzy. Seeing new likes and all. “Like” suggests that you actually LIKE it, maybe that’s why.

Where Everything Lost is Found is on hold until I’m not too exhausted from this tiredness I’ve been carrying around for a few months. I had to quit my second job because I was burning at both ends.

Returning to the subject of updating oneself, I got a haircut… a professional one (shock – I hadn’t let anyone cut my hair since I was 16 years old). A colleague (styling prof) helped me out. I wanted crazy, untamed mermaid hair, but it was getting out of hand… so now it’s a few inches shorter, but it bounces. Please don’t take into account that the “before” pic looks like crap (which I took before I even considered the haircut). I was at home and not wearing any makeup (or a shirt, actually), and I was at work in the “after” pic, so I obviously look more presentable (I hope).

Obviously, that last bit about my hair was forced because I’ve run out of safe topics.
October to November has been kind of whirlwind, in retrospect.
Stay tuned for dangerous topics.
No promises, though.

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 Today I was bicycling home from work and struck by yet another perfect October moon… I always have to mention it, neuropathist year after year, search when I feel our tropical Autumn setting in. Summers are such a drag.

On the subject of drags, I’m sick again.

I don’t know if it’s acceptance, but I’ve come to appreciate sick days, but for one reason only… I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but fevers always cause a sort of tilt of consciousness.

Between being highly uncomfortable, I had some mild hallucinations… auditory ones. I heard conversations, pure noise… I tried to think of a comforting melody to drown it all out, focusing on one sound, but the involuntary noise was overbearing. So I let it take over and felt my thoughts being drowned… like a flooding room. I wanted to get up and write them to let them out, because they felt so alien, as if in another language, and with this impulse, started seeing the words and felt my mind going black… saturated. Only rhyming saved me from losing it. I spent what felt like hours rhyming nonsense in my head. Oddly enough, the more I tried to calm the torrent, the more I was bombarded with this unbearable noise. Eventually, when I got up from bed, I just felt numb. And dumb. Not necessarily a bad feeling…

I also had a handful of comforting dreams… lately I’ve been feeling self conscious about even mentioning them because (and this is in no way a complaint), since SLF and people’s interest (thank you) it feels (only to me) like most of what I’ve done in life is dream… and collect memories to dream, and dream to write, because dreaming and writing feel so similar.

After a few days of fever-dreams and isolation, there’s a refreshing feeling of re-integration… of disconnection, seeing through a haze of slowness, trying to grasp reality through filters of imagination running in the foreground.

And now I realized I started writing in the wrong blog.

This is where I update, and I have no updates – lie. I do. Just not the right motivation.

I do have a photo of my sick face.

Krisia kidnapped me on Saturday night for a short while to take me to an art expo. I know I was probably the worst company that night, but it added to the fever-trip. The night seemed like a dream as well.

Krisia: “You’re sick, I know. You have about 40 minutes to get dressed, I’m coming to get you.”

Me: “Okay.”

I took this photo to see if I looked as messed up as I felt. Surprisingly, I only had eye-bags to show for it.


SLF on the internets!

Though I still refuse to acknowledge Facebook as “internet.” It’s just one huge suburb of the internet where you can see into everybody’s windows whether you want to or not…

But please, erectile if you made it all the way here, viagra sale go like SLF on facebook. I’ll appreciate it bunches.

Also, I have my first presentation at the UPR, and I’m really excited about it.

Click it. Say you’re going. Even if you’re not.

Other news… I was in NY last week with Velvet and awesomeness went down. Luxurious hotel fun, Dead Can Dance, and good times with friends. Photos elsewhere, but just to keep this personalized (?), here’s a photo. More (maybe) later.

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It’s 1:11 am and I’m still up, search and so overwhelmed by everything I want to do on my last vacation night – so overwhelmed, side effects that I have achieved absolutely nothing.

I spent part of the night grading tests, generic because on Monday I go back to work again, and work was so easily forgotten this past week! Even though it wasn’t particularly vacation-y… I went to bed late, picked up abandoned books, spent time online doing not much (though I reconnected with a few abandoned friends) and spent real time with some of my best friends. Sometimes I don’t realize how much I miss my friends until I see them again… kind of like old habits. I didn’t realize just how unlike myself I’ve been feeling since I started this new, repetitive schedule of going to bed early – to wake up early – to come home and work.

I’ve heard it from several people, more than once, that you have to make time to do the things you love, and this is something I intend to do, because even though one never really loses oneself, you might forget yourself from time to time… the prospects of that terrify me, not to mention, sicken me in a subtle way that make me feel dulled, restrained and absolutely miserable (but only to a tolerable degree). Because I always, on the brink of the unmentionable, have little bouts of insanity, sometimes painful, that bring it all back.

And, on the subject of work (pouring my heart out here still seems like an intimate thing to do, since I know only a very few read me, though I’m about to promote a change in that), more than once I’ve heard myself labeled “teacher,” which bugs me. “Oh, no, no, no, I’m not a teacher!” Though I am, I am not. The term as defining seems so limiting and dull… no matter who says it (a student, for instance). But I mean it in the context in which I’ve heard it used (more than once), as if what my work at this moment defined me as a person.

I am so much more comfortable undefined, even when I can’t figure it out for myself: I don’t care to.

End of rant.

(It’s late. )

Now, switching to something completely different… are you on bloglovin?

Click it: Follow on Bloglovin

I remember Sophie telling me about this months ago, but I am slow to do anything suggested sometimes… Not sure to what extent I enjoy the privacy of anonymity I’ve enjoyed thus far, I guess we’ll see…

To break the monotony of letters, I made another gif of my face, this time with a wig (also making a statement about wigs, a mini-rant I included with a shot on facebook), enjoy (if you enjoy that type of thing).

And back on the subject of things I want to do, all at once, but ended up ranting here instead, I really love painting and got back into it because I was commissioned by my uncle to paint something for him (which I haven’t started because he owes me a reference pic). But I finished an owl painting I started about a year ago (and abandoned about a year ago), and everyone likes the outcome (including myself). Click for larger image. Or click here for devation.

I finally bought myself a camera… all I need now is to start taking pictures (something else I wanted to do tonight but didn’t bring myself to). Hopefully, I’ll be photobombing soon.

And something that deserves a fair mention (on the subject of picking up abandoned books that I didn’t continue reading tonight), my friend Miguel published a book which is, so far, possibly too good to ever become ridiculously popular. Click it and follow the White Rabbit.

Anyway, there will be a very interesting and interactive presentation on August the 23rd (announced with specifics here) and I was invited to be a reader! Along with Daniel Pommers (El Esqueleto Presenta). I think this is pretty rad and I’m excited.

Plugs related to this: Generación del Atardecer Presenta | Postdandyexpress | Cosmos Burlesco fb page | Gato Malo Editores | Le Papillon


Now it’s 2.

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